The Virtual Rambler

Number nineteen: 16^th December 2011

Another Nutty Professor

On the day of the present queen’s coronation in the summer of 1953 , we heard about the ascent of Everest by a team of British Commonwealth climbers , assisted by twenty Sherpas. Shortly afterwards , I was among a large batch of Oldham schoolchildren who were taken to a cinema in the town centre to watch films of the two events. Both their soundtracks referred to this "new Elizabethan age" we were venturing into. Fifty years later , amidst an equally-unresisting crowd of academics , I was shepherded inside the University’s Great Hall for our recently-appointed Vice Chancellor’s inauguration ceremony. Previously the post had been occupied by men of modest stamp in behind-the-scenes administrative roles but a new breed of visionaries with extravagant lines in self-promotion were becoming all the rage. Leadership is often apt in the sense that the governed discover those set in authority over them manifesting a zeitgeist to which , like it or not , they must submit. These were times when a “modernisation” project of continuous “economic reform” was double-talk for the unrelenting injection of market mechanisms into once-public services , from provision of care for the sick and elderly to the education of the young. A giant video screen above the stage flickers into life with the gnomic three-foot high message : WHEN MELTON MET THE MODERN WORLD. We welcome to these pages Professor⁽¹⁾ Lee , dynamic new Vice Chancellor of the Melton Mowbray Metropolitan University. There was something of the caped crusader about him in that professorial gown. Indeed his mission was to beam a new University logo high above the Gotham skyline.

Although his would prove to be an autocratic rule , he addresses us as “my colleagues.” The professor’s introductory remarks set the tone for a regular flow of banalities yet to come in his “Thoughts for the Day” on the University website. In quest of excellence , how do we awaken the giant within ? The proximity of the county cricket ground to our campus would surely bring about an “opening partnership” between sportsmen and scholars that would take each “beyond the boundary” of their present renown. As I gazed about the audience , I detected passing expressions of incredulity on one or two faces but the majority were nodding in acquiescent agreement , smiling in anticipation of this union to come. We would “develop a flair for delivering innovative improvements to our customers” , who would be invited to “rub shoulders with champions”. He felt no more restraint when ladling out metaphorical chestnuts with a generous hand than he was curtailed in directing sizeable chunks of the University's income towards expanding its “property portfolio.” He purchased several older buildings in the town and during renovations , draped their facades with huge banners containing messages worthy of The Riddler , in which the words Melton and met recurred. Our new generalissimo’s “visions” were as plentiful and inscrutable as those of a Siberian shaman.

Self-ordained ministers of this new faith in "modernisation" turned their backs on choral singing and promises of justice in the next world. What they were selling were prospects of prestigious felicity in the here and now. Alas , our impresario’s guiding hand on the tiller brought us closer to the sea of despond than the isles of the blessed. The “world-class” University he sought to launch towards the academic firmament plummeted ever lower in the league tables that were largely based on students’ own assessment of their experience therein. Its mounting loans and debts found their own partnership with the bank-induced financial crisis as a whole. His still- empty properties were sold off at a substantial loss. Like many another ‘charismatic’ executive of the day , he might have been expected to depart his position under a shower of rotten fruit and reprimands. Was he abashed by the debris he left behind ? Not a bit of it. When opportunity knocks, the entrepreneur is always at home. Pocketing a handsome pay-off , he went forth to seek out “challenging” pastures new. He ascribed any anomalies issuing from his reign to sabotage on the part of the half- hearted , even dissident elements among his inferiors. It being the festive season at that time , one of these noncomformists commemorated his exit by singing quietly to himself "six key performance targets , five added values , four synergizings , three cutting edges , two strategic priorities … and an own goal of total quality.


Wig

⁽¹⁾ In former days one became a professor on the basis of scholarly achievement but when a university became viewed as a business , the term then implied one who was at the top of its pay-scale. Henceforth every Vice Chancellor in the land became a professor.

Archive

Virtual rambler #1 – Posturing, 9^th March 2010
Virtual rambler #2 – Managerialism, 17^th March 2010
Virtual rambler #3 – Nostalgia, 27^th March 2010
Virtual rambler #4 – The Alpha Male, 13^th April 2010
Virtual rambler #5 – General Elections, 3^rd May 2010
Virtual rambler #6 – The Leisure Industry, 15^th May 2010
Virtual rambler #7 – Guide to The World Cup, 15^th June 2010
Virtual rambler #8 – Human Nature, 12^th July 2010
Virtual rambler #9 – Communities, 13^th August 2010
Virtual rambler #10 – Worlds Apart, 6^th October 2010
Virtual rambler #11 – Dawdling, 22^nd November 2010
Virtual rambler #12 – ELVIS, 24^th December 2010
Virtual rambler #13 – Transience, 4^th February 2011
Virtual rambler #14 – Regional Accents, 15^th April 2011
Virtual rambler #15 – The Afterlife, 21^st July 2011
Virtual rambler #16 – Bizspeak, 27^th August 2011
Virtual rambler #17 – Night Walks, 3^rd October 2011
Virtual rambler #18 – Bob Dylan and Charles Dickens, 8^th November 2011
Virtual rambler #19 – Another Nutty Professor, 16^th December 2011
Virtual rambler #20 – Customer Choice, 16^th January 2012
Virtual rambler #21 – Wearing Shorts, 18^th February 2012
Virtual rambler #22 – A Brief History of Progress, 17^th March 2012
Virtual rambler #23 – The Myth of Sisyphus, 16^th April 2012
Virtual rambler #24 – Natural History, 20^th May 2012
Virtual rambler #25 – European Self Importance, 26^th June 2012
Virtual rambler #26 – Sweet Dreams, 25^th July 2012
Virtual rambler #27 – Excess, 17^th August 2012
Virtual rambler #28 – In Denial, 20^th September 2012
Virtual rambler #29 – The Way, 21^st October 2012
Virtual rambler #30 – On Rambling, 14^th November 2012
Virtual rambler #31 – Gazing Into The Abyss, 18^th December 2012
Virtual rambler #32 – Intellectual Gloom, 25^th January 2013
Virtual rambler #33 – Great Human Achievements, 20^th February 2013
Virtual rambler #34 – Autobiography, 20^th March 2013
Virtual rambler #35 – Your Good Health, 21^st April 2013
Virtual rambler #36 – Deconstruction, 20^th May 2013
Virtual rambler #37 – My Home Town, 19^th June 2013
Virtual rambler #38 – Ancient History, 21^st July 2013
Virtual rambler #39 – Possessions, 20^th August 2013
Virtual rambler #40 – Sporting Stoics, 20^th September 2013
Virtual rambler #41 – Free Time, 20^th October 2013
Virtual rambler #42 – Ewan Don't Allow, 20^th November 2013
Virtual rambler #43 – A Literary Nexus, 20^th December 2013
Virtual rambler #44 – Taking Liberties, 16^th January 2014
Virtual rambler #45 – More or Less, 20^th February 2014
Virtual rambler #46 – Under Control, 20^th March 2014
Virtual rambler #47 – Waiting, 20^th April 2014
Virtual rambler #48 – They Rose Without Trace, 20^th May 2014
Virtual rambler #49 – Bigger Impression , Smaller Footprint, 20^th June 2014
Virtual rambler #50 – Terpsichorean Instrumentations, 18^th July 2014
Virtual rambler #51 – Socially Mediated, 19^th August 2014
Virtual rambler #52 – Rambling Into The Sunset, 20^th September 2014