The Virtual Rambler

Number nineteen: 16^th December 2011

Another Nutty Professor

On the day of the present queen’s coronation in the summer of 1953 , we heard about the ascent of Everest by a team of British Commonwealth climbers , assisted by twenty Sherpas. Shortly afterwards , I was among a large batch of Oldham schoolchildren who were taken to a cinema in the town centre to watch films of the two events. Both their soundtracks referred to this "new Elizabethan age" we were venturing into. Fifty years later , amidst an equally-unresisting crowd of academics , I was shepherded inside the University’s Great Hall for our recently-appointed Vice Chancellor’s inauguration ceremony. Previously the post had been occupied by men of modest stamp in behind-the-scenes administrative roles but a new breed of visionaries with extravagant lines in self-promotion were becoming all the rage. Leadership is often apt in the sense that the governed discover those set in authority over them manifesting a zeitgeist to which , like it or not , they must submit. These were times when a “modernisation” project of continuous “economic reform” was double-talk for the unrelenting injection of market mechanisms into once-public services , from provision of care for the sick and elderly to the education of the young. A giant video screen above the stage flickers into life with the gnomic three-foot high message : WHEN MELTON MET THE MODERN WORLD. We welcome to these pages Professor⁽¹⁾ Lee , dynamic new Vice Chancellor of the Melton Mowbray Metropolitan University. There was something of the caped crusader about him in that professorial gown. Indeed his mission was to beam a new University logo high above the Gotham skyline.

Although his would prove to be an autocratic rule , he addresses us as “my colleagues.” The professor’s introductory remarks set the tone for a regular flow of banalities yet to come in his “Thoughts for the Day” on the University website. In quest of excellence , how do we awaken the giant within ? The proximity of the county cricket ground to our campus would surely bring about an “opening partnership” between sportsmen and scholars that would take each “beyond the boundary” of their present renown. As I gazed about the audience , I detected passing expressions of incredulity on one or two faces but the majority were nodding in acquiescent agreement , smiling in anticipation of this union to come. We would “develop a flair for delivering innovative improvements to our customers” , who would be invited to “rub shoulders with champions”. He felt no more restraint when ladling out metaphorical chestnuts with a generous hand than he was curtailed in directing sizeable chunks of the University's income towards expanding its “property portfolio.” He purchased several older buildings in the town and during renovations , draped their facades with huge banners containing messages worthy of The Riddler , in which the words Melton and met recurred. Our new generalissimo’s “visions” were as plentiful and inscrutable as those of a Siberian shaman.

Self-ordained ministers of this new faith in "modernisation" turned their backs on choral singing and promises of justice in the next world. What they were selling were prospects of prestigious felicity in the here and now. Alas , our impresario’s guiding hand on the tiller brought us closer to the sea of despond than the isles of the blessed. The “world-class” University he sought to launch towards the academic firmament plummeted ever lower in the league tables that were largely based on students’ own assessment of their experience therein. Its mounting loans and debts found their own partnership with the bank-induced financial crisis as a whole. His still- empty properties were sold off at a substantial loss. Like many another ‘charismatic’ executive of the day , he might have been expected to depart his position under a shower of rotten fruit and reprimands. Was he abashed by the debris he left behind ? Not a bit of it. When opportunity knocks, the entrepreneur is always at home. Pocketing a handsome pay-off , he went forth to seek out “challenging” pastures new. He ascribed any anomalies issuing from his reign to sabotage on the part of the half- hearted , even dissident elements among his inferiors. It being the festive season at that time , one of these noncomformists commemorated his exit by singing quietly to himself "six key performance targets , five added values , four synergizings , three cutting edges , two strategic priorities … and an own goal of total quality.

Wig

⁽¹⁾ In former days one became a professor on the basis of scholarly achievement but when a university became viewed as a business , the term then implied one who was at the top of its pay-scale. Henceforth every Vice Chancellor in the land became a professor.

The Virtual Rambler

Number nineteen: 16th December 2011

Another Nutty Professor

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Number nineteen: 16^th December 2011