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Another World Cup. Before kick-off we can anticipate an opening ceremony of uninhibited ethnic stereotyping. Sombrero Mexicans ,
gondolier Italians , gaucho Argentinians , lederhosen Germans , matelot Frenchmen , cowboy Americans , Australians in bushranger kit.
All these parts are played by bewildered children shuffling about for half a minute before making way for the next riot of national
cliché. Atmospheres are sure to be described as red-hot , super-charged or powder-keg and when many people’s idea of the
tournament winners are playing in a carnival atmosphere , they will be deemed different quality and what their opponents
musn’t allow them are time and space. For the minnows on the other hand , it will be asking an awful lot (a big
ask , in fact) for them to progress beyond the group stages. Should they succeed , your Slovenians or your Socceroos ,
your North Koreans or your Hondurans , then fair play to them. They can then be said to have “come here , set their
stall out on the park and you have to take your hat off to them.” Early doors they’ll be hoping to stay compact ,
guarding against anything lacksadaisical (sic) and getting plenty of bodies behind the ball. It may be the case , however ,
that a lack of quality in the final third will prove their undoing , whence , in retrospect they were not at the
races.
What , then , of the European contestants ? Expect to hear mention of the German Juggernaut , Dutch Masters , the Italian
Job , a time for the Danes to be or not to be , French Connections , Classical Greece , a Swiss Guard , either a
Spanish Inquisition or Armada and the Portugese Sorcerers. One or another of these are sure to feature in a
Group of Death , along with some mercurial Latin American exponents of samba soccer. On the days of their
involvement (scheduled matches) our boys will want to soak up the pre-match atmosphere and when the ref blows to get
their game underway , Fabio will be expecting them to to put a shift in , with balls into good areas up front but
without too much ball-watching from the back four at set pieces. Bearing in mind that there are no easy games at this
level and hence no room for complacency , we can modestly hope for games not to be ruined as a spectacle by a
card-happy or flag-happy official. Waiving any further details of the Messi factor , the humidity factor or
the light ball factor , let’s look out on the bench for messrs. Castro , McCarthy , Franco , Donovan and Gonzalez (how
may he be best described ?). There alongside him sits a manager/coach who can variously be known as a no-nonsense tactician ,
the wily Svengali , the volatile supremo , the Gov’nor or the Godfather. Supporters will hope he’s not lost
the dressing room. If he is a much-travelled (and rewarded) mercenary like Sven , or South Africa’s Parreira , the operative
adjective is shrewd.
Later investigations uncovered bribery on the part of the host nation South Africa , in order to promote their cause. Now their
representatives in that opening ceremony may best be depicted showering wads of dollar bills in the air , before a seated row of FIFA
executives. Considering the commentary teams , was the replacement of the lone commentator (your Colemans , your Motsons)
with a duo effected in the forlorn hope of striking up some wisecracking banter in the Hope/Crosby tradition ? If so , exchanges such
as the following have dashed such hope : “I don't know what Ravelli was playing at there , Brian , but it was holiday-on-ice
stuff.” “Very much so , Clive. That was one for the cameras.” “It’s a game of two halves , Lawro.” “Just as
well , Barry. We didn't turn up first half and were lucky to go in one down.” Neutrals can still keep a weather eye out
for that slide rule pass , while partisans may call for one of their opponents to see red. Disputed goals may be
followed by celebrations that prove to be short-lived , a description equally applicable when one team’s goal is followed quickly
by the opposition hitting back with one of their own.Finally , be on the alert for that hapless figure who won’t need reminding
that he’s literally blasted a nation’s hopes over the bar in the final seconds of normal time. It will come to haunt him.
Wig.
Afficianados of footballing vocabulary in general should seek out
the Football Lexicon (2004) by
Leigh and Woodhouse , a treasure trove for any aspiring satirist of the modern game.
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