The Virtual Rambler

Number seven: 15th June 2010


A Rambler's Guide to The World Cup

Another World Cup. Before kick-off we can anticipate an opening ceremony of uninhibited ethnic stereotyping. Sombrero Mexicans , gondolier Italians , gaucho Argentinians , lederhosen Germans , matelot Frenchmen , cowboy Americans , Australians in bushranger kit. All these parts are played by bewildered children shuffling about for half a minute before making way for the next riot of national cliché. Atmospheres are sure to be described as red-hot , super-charged or powder-keg and when many people’s idea of the tournament winners are playing in a carnival atmosphere , they will be deemed different quality and what their opponents musn’t allow them are time and space. For the minnows on the other hand , it will be asking an awful lot (a big ask , in fact) for them to progress beyond the group stages. Should they succeed , your Slovenians or your Socceroos , your North Koreans or your Hondurans , then fair play to them. They can then be said to have “come here , set their stall out on the park and you have to take your hat off to them.” Early doors they’ll be hoping to stay compact , guarding against anything lacksadaisical (sic) and getting plenty of bodies behind the ball. It may be the case , however , that a lack of quality in the final third will prove their undoing , whence , in retrospect they were not at the races.

What , then , of the European contestants ? Expect to hear mention of the German Juggernaut , Dutch Masters , the Italian Job , a time for the Danes to be or not to be , French Connections , Classical Greece , a Swiss Guard , either a Spanish Inquisition or Armada and the Portugese Sorcerers. One or another of these are sure to feature in a Group of Death , along with some mercurial Latin American exponents of samba soccer. On the days of their involvement (scheduled matches) our boys will want to soak up the pre-match atmosphere and when the ref blows to get their game underway , Fabio will be expecting them to to put a shift in , with balls into good areas up front but without too much ball-watching from the back four at set pieces. Bearing in mind that there are no easy games at this level and hence no room for complacency , we can modestly hope for games not to be ruined as a spectacle by a card-happy or flag-happy official. Waiving any further details of the Messi factor , the humidity factor or the light ball factor , let’s look out on the bench for messrs. Castro , McCarthy , Franco , Donovan and Gonzalez (how may he be best described ?). There alongside him sits a manager/coach who can variously be known as a no-nonsense tactician , the wily Svengali , the volatile supremo , the Gov’nor or the Godfather. Supporters will hope he’s not lost the dressing room. If he is a much-travelled (and rewarded) mercenary like Sven , or South Africa’s Parreira , the operative adjective is shrewd.

Later investigations uncovered bribery on the part of the host nation South Africa , in order to promote their cause. Now their representatives in that opening ceremony may best be depicted showering wads of dollar bills in the air , before a seated row of FIFA executives. Considering the commentary teams , was the replacement of the lone commentator (your Colemans , your Motsons) with a duo effected in the forlorn hope of striking up some wisecracking banter in the Hope/Crosby tradition ? If so , exchanges such as the following have dashed such hope : “I don't know what Ravelli was playing at there , Brian , but it was holiday-on-ice stuff.” “Very much so , Clive. That was one for the cameras.” “It’s a game of two halves , Lawro.” “Just as well , Barry. We didn't turn up first half and were lucky to go in one down.” Neutrals can still keep a weather eye out for that slide rule pass , while partisans may call for one of their opponents to see red. Disputed goals may be followed by celebrations that prove to be short-lived , a description equally applicable when one team’s goal is followed quickly by the opposition hitting back with one of their own.Finally , be on the alert for that hapless figure who won’t need reminding that he’s literally blasted a nation’s hopes over the bar in the final seconds of normal time. It will come to haunt him.


Wig.


Afficianados of footballing vocabulary in general should seek out the Football Lexicon (2004) by Leigh and Woodhouse , a treasure trove for any aspiring satirist of the modern game.


Archive

Virtual rambler #1 – Posturing, 9th March 2010
Virtual rambler #2 – Managerialism, 17th March 2010
Virtual rambler #3 – Nostalgia, 27th March 2010
Virtual rambler #4 – The Alpha Male, 13th April 2010
Virtual rambler #5 – General Elections, 3rd May 2010
Virtual rambler #6 – The Leisure Industry, 15th May 2010
Virtual rambler #7 – Guide to The World Cup, 15th June 2010
Virtual rambler #8 – Human Nature, 12th July 2010
Virtual rambler #9 – Communities, 13th August 2010
Virtual rambler #10 – Worlds Apart, 6th October 2010
Virtual rambler #11 – Dawdling, 22nd November 2010
Virtual rambler #12 – ELVIS, 24th December 2010
Virtual rambler #13 – Transience, 4th February 2011
Virtual rambler #14 – Regional Accents, 15th April 2011
Virtual rambler #15 – The Afterlife, 21st July 2011
Virtual rambler #16 – Bizspeak, 27th August 2011
Virtual rambler #17 – Night Walks, 3rd October 2011
Virtual rambler #18 – Bob Dylan and Charles Dickens, 8th November 2011
Virtual rambler #19 – Another Nutty Professor, 16th December 2011
Virtual rambler #20 – Customer Choice, 16th January 2012
Virtual rambler #21 – Wearing Shorts, 18th February 2012
Virtual rambler #22 – A Brief History of Progress, 17th March 2012
Virtual rambler #23 – The Myth of Sisyphus, 16th April 2012
Virtual rambler #24 – Natural History, 20th May 2012
Virtual rambler #25 – European Self Importance, 26th June 2012
Virtual rambler #26 – Sweet Dreams, 25th July 2012
Virtual rambler #27 – Excess, 17th August 2012
Virtual rambler #28 – In Denial, 20th September 2012
Virtual rambler #29 – The Way, 21st October 2012
Virtual rambler #30 – On Rambling, 14th November 2012
Virtual rambler #31 – Gazing Into The Abyss, 18th December 2012
Virtual rambler #32 – Intellectual Gloom, 25th January 2013
Virtual rambler #33 – Great Human Achievements, 20th February 2013
Virtual rambler #34 – Autobiography, 20th March 2013
Virtual rambler #35 – Your Good Health, 21st April 2013
Virtual rambler #36 – Deconstruction, 20th May 2013
Virtual rambler #37 – My Home Town, 19th June 2013
Virtual rambler #38 – Ancient History, 21st July 2013
Virtual rambler #39 – Possessions, 20th August 2013
Virtual rambler #40 – Sporting Stoics, 20th September 2013
Virtual rambler #41 – Free Time, 20th October 2013
Virtual rambler #42 – Ewan Don't Allow, 20th November 2013
Virtual rambler #43 – A Literary Nexus, 20th December 2013
Virtual rambler #44 – Taking Liberties, 16th January 2014
Virtual rambler #45 – More or Less, 20th February 2014
Virtual rambler #46 – Under Control, 20th March 2014
Virtual rambler #47 – Waiting, 20th April 2014
Virtual rambler #48 – They Rose Without Trace, 20th May 2014
Virtual rambler #49 – Bigger Impression , Smaller Footprint, 20th June 2014
Virtual rambler #50 – Terpsichorean Instrumentations, 18th July 2014
Virtual rambler #51 – Socially Mediated, 19th August 2014
Virtual rambler #52 – Rambling Into The Sunset, 20th September 2014